Lesbians are in the news in Swaziland at the moment- big time. Swazi journalists are licking lips at the prospects of a lesbian love triangle being played out during the murder trial of Thuli Rudd. Rudd came to national attention when she was ‘exposed’ in 2009 by the Times Sunday newspaper after an under the covers operation by journalists who infiltrated a party at a restaurant Rudd and her lesbian lover threw for friends to announce their marriage.
The media in Swaziland can’t quite get this ‘lesbian thing’, so to put them in the picture, here is our special news feature.
This feature will tell you everything that you need to know about Swazi lesbians and it is not at all intended to be a salacious tit-bit masquerading as news aimed at our male readers that’s for sure. After all, the sexual orientation of private individuals is everybody else’s business. That is why we feel strongly that this story merits headline status, instead of the collapsing economy, for example.
First, as this reporter discovered, when exposed to Swazi lesbians you need to wear a disguise and operate undercover when you go to a restaurant where they are getting married. Even if you later reveal that you are a reporter and the lesbians say ‘Oh, okay, take our picture if you really want, no big deal,’ you should not question your decision to have disguised yourself for absolutely no reason at all. Anyone would have done the same.
But what are lesbians anyway? Well, it is better not to go into detail, in order to protect our female children who might be reading this (if they are not too busy running away from their uncles). Let us just say that lesbians are females that kiss other females and do other things like that only much worse and much more sinful. We know this from reliable sources, such as the late-night adult viewing on the Action Channel, 106 on the DSTV bouquet (that’s 106, don’t set your recorders to 160 by mistake, gents!)
To avoid being exposed to Swazi lesbians it is important to know what they look like. In fact, Swazi lesbians usually look like Jodie Foster or Lindsay Lohan only they look a bit more African probably and are usually not blonde. The other thing that can help you to know if you are in proximity to a lesbian is that she might be dressed like a man (NB not a Swazi man obviously, as their traditional costume is in effect a skirt and a feather in their hair). This does not mean that any policewomen and female soldiers are lesbians because they wear the same uniforms as men though, because they are not. It is not possible to be a lesbian in the police or army because it is not permitted. So it never happens. Ever.
Let us not forget that lesbians are dangerous. A glance at the crime statistics will reveal that lesbians are probably responsible for as much as 0.002% of all crimes perpetrated against decent, law-abiding, normal people. And what they get up to in jail when they are sharing a cell, and it’s a sultry evening, and they have just come out of the shower with glistening skin, and they are feeling lonely, vulnerable and in need of some affection, and there’s an almost electric charge of suppressed desire between them, enough to set the fine hairs on their lean, smooth bodies on end, simply does not bear thinking about. Although there are films about this too, which are more and more disgusting the more times you watch them.
The thing about Swazi lesbians is this: they are unSwazi. Even though they are Swazi. To confirm this you need only ask the opinion of some prominent Swazi men known for their balanced views about women and progressive attitudes about minorities. These men, who are not reactionary bigots, will quote the sections of the Bible that give guidance on how to hate and oppress lesbians in the most appropriate pious fashion. In the proper Swazi fashion. Furthermore, it is not possible for a lesbian to hide behind the constitution. Section 69 says “There shall be no discrimination against individuals or groups on the grounds of religion, creed, colour, nationality and sexual orientation and things like that as long as they are heterosexual Christians and/or persecuting them is in the public interest and/or helps sell newspapers and/or reinforces traditional prejudices passed down from revered ancestral bigots.”
So what can we do about the lesbian problem plaguing Swaziland? The only thing left is to pray harder. This default reaction is the same one we have used with great success in the fight against HIV, the collapsing economy, corruption, TB, and so on. Only then can we be rid of this latest scourge which is plaguing our land and newspaper front pages and will continue to do so until we have time to make up new stories about demons, or even better, to focus our attention on other minority groups against whom we can stir up irrational fears, unfounded prejudice and hatred in the public interest.